Whispers of a Memory: I let it happen to me.....

Friday, September 7, 2012

I let it happen to me.....

12:34 AM |

Posted by Balinda (RebelChick) |

This summer has been one I would have rather not have had. I let old triggers open new wounds in a way that I did not think was possible. I have been blind sided by things that I had let my guard down about. The defenses and walls I have kept around my heart to even my dearest loved ones had almost been gone. I have let the sunny and cheerful public me hide the chaotic and down in the dumps me. My self-esteem had taken a huge blow courtesy of someone that I love dearly and me (yes I blame myself also). I let myself believe I was less than. I let myself believe that I didn't deserve time to myself, love, respect, kindness. I have felt foolish and stupid. This manifested into me not scrapping, gaining some weight back, not thinking I deserved to even go get new contacts/glasses that I needed and basically just shunning the world as much as possible while still "maintaining the look of normal" so that the outside world would not get too interested or nosy. It's literally been an effort to even get dressed most days and when I did it was to go do what I needed to do and come right back home and jump in the pajamas. One side of my brain is screaming get your act together and the other side screams just as loudly....."what for? and why even try?"

This is not the first time I have dealt with these type of feelings. I have worked hard to stay away from negatives that would bring me down. I feel like I have let myself down because here I am again making the mental climb to a better and healthier emotional place.

I am still not 100% but I am working hard to remember that I am the one responsible for how I react to my surroundings and to others around me. I

have to mentally take away their power to negatively impact me. It's very hard to do at times esp when the option of changing the surroundings are not there. I am working hard to remember that I am a role model for my daughter and that I want her to see that things and other people do not define who a person is.

So I sit here and blog not for sympathy or actually even compassion. It's a step for me to see the words literally in black and white. These words, this blog post will be a HUGE reminder of what I don't deserve nor experience. It will be a reminder that I am worthy and it's essentially up to me to make the most of every day that God has graced me with here on earth.

It's with this positive note that I end this post and get some rest before going to get that eye exam early Friday morning.