Whispers of a Memory: 12/01/2016

Friday, December 30, 2016

Brave

11:47 AM |

Posted by Balinda (RebelChick) |

Sometimes one needs to retreat from the world to find out who they really are. That's definitely what I've been doing. I've been one half of a two part team for so many years that I'm floundering around like a fish out of water. Everything is just as difficult and unfamiliar to me as the fish who needs to be in the water to survive. Me without my husband literally takes my breath away. I am finding grief to be very exhausting and unpredictable. One day I can laugh and other days all I can do is cry. It's a cruel sack of emotions I go through. For the longest time I thought I was going crazy but then I found a group on Facebook with so many beautiful souls who are walking the same walk as I am. I am NOT crazy. I have found out that what I feel is ok and quite normal and it's my grief and MY time table on when I do or don't do things. Other's move on fast to new relationships and just as equally there's just as many who a Chapter 2 with someone is a foreign concept. I'm of the mindset that I was so lucky to have a love story of a lifetime. How could I be greedy and expect anything more. But if God set someone in my path I would do my best to recognize that gift. Until then, I am creating a life for me with no expectations of sharing with anyone else. I need to find me and who I am as a single solitary soul and sometimes I think I know who that girl is and other time's she's as elusive as smoke in the wind.

2016 is almost over. I don't believe in resolutions but I have been giving tremendous thought on how I want to live the next year. So many of my days during this past year I just existed. If I got through the day, it was an accomplishment.....it really was!!!! I've decided it's ok to be selfish. I am a team of 1 now. I need to take care of me so my health is top of the list. I will quit feeling quilty for finding joy and I will consistently make time for art, digital and mixed media, and last but not least I will make time for God and set aside time for my Bible study and prayer time on a consistent basis.

Above it all I will will be BRAVE.
Scared is what you're feeling. Brave is what you're doing.

― Emma Donoghue