Whispers of a Memory: 10/01/2014

Friday, October 31, 2014

A Broken Soul

3:49 AM |

Posted by Balinda (RebelChick) |

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Yes. I have been hiding under a rock. Even now I don't want to come climbing out but life is passing me by and I have to either decide to live it or just totally give in. I have spent the past few months trying to redefine what my marriage should be.....or rather....I knew what it should have been (AND WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS) but the other half did not. I will not give out gory details but an alcohol addiction that my husband was able to hide from me because of the way he was away for work all the time was the driving force for a life evaluation and choice I was given to either walk away or stay. I have chosen to stay. I made a commitment that I will honor even though I had every reason in the world not to. I am still on shaky ground with tons of emotions from all the fall out. At first I clung to my faith.....then I cursed God.....and then clung some more....I am still working out hurt and anger and trying to surround myself with positive. I just never thought I could love someone and want to hurt him like I was hurting all at the same time. No one died, yet there was a death. A part of me died. I don't know if I will ever get it back. My critics have painted me as a "glass half empty" kinda girl but I am really the "glass half full" girl. I believe in people and give them way to many chances when most people would just cut their losses. I do believe people can change. I have. I have needed chances. I guess that is why I will always risk getting hurt even when the smart thing would be to run in the opposite direction.

I am slowly getting the courage to believe in myself again. My brain knows I am not responsible for my husband's less than stellar behavior but emotionally all I can do it think of all the what if's I did this or that, or if I was prettier, sexier, skinnier, fatter, all the awful things we women can think of to do damage to our self esteem. And I should add this....he does not blame me for any of his bad decisions or his drinking. He has taken full responsibility.
It however, does not stop me from fighting the feeling of being inadequate.
I go to bed every night with the resolve to wake up and face the day fiercely....the first few weeks the resolve was to wake up and just make it through the day.

Over these past few years I had quit and/or severely cut back on doing the things I enjoyed such as art journaling, photography, scrapbooking or just going out and doing girly things. All this in a effort of what I thought would let him know that I wanted to give him attention and listened to how he felt. In the end, I lost. I gave up my identity. The sad part is that I did not even know it. I prided myself on being a strong independent woman who could tackle the world but that was just the pretty picture I got good at letting the world see. Love should not take away from who you are. Love should add. Two shall become one....but the one should also still be a functioning and thriving individual. I was not that anymore. My life revolved around his wants, needs etc....he didn't demand it. He didn't have to. He wasn't home like we wanted so I felt like I NEEDED to be at his beck and call when he was. No I was not perfect. Not the perfect housewife in the perfect mood or any of that jazz like you would see on the Leave it to Beaver show.

So here I am just trying to reconnect with the world and put my broken soul back together. I will never be the same person I was but I am very much working on being okay with that fact. I don't know how long it will take but I am hoping that on this journey to heal and rediscover who I am again that I will wake up one one morning and I won't have to "try" to face the day fiercely because it will be the day that will be going "Whoa!!!! Look out!!! Here she comes!!!" and I will have the joy back of just being the best me I can be.

*Just a couple of extra notes. The husband is no longer working a job that takes him away from home and he has been alcohol free since July 5th. I am very proud of him for that.

*RedHead Girl Photography is little ole me.